Kissing the Player (The Dangers of Dating a Diva Book 1) Read online

  “Well, yeah,” I said, forcing a flippant tone. “I mean, you got caught, so…obviously.”

  “That’s not why it was wrong,” he said.

  I didn’t want to hear this. I wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and start singing at the top of my lungs to block out his voice right now. But, since I wasn’t eight years old, I refrained. Instead, I did everything I could to deflect the conversation. “Well, yeah,” I said with a rueful laugh. “It was a mistake because you’re a terrible actor. Has anyone ever told you that?”

  “Simone warned me that someone would get hurt.”

  I made a psshhh sound that came out too loud and forced as I reached for the cape I’d been wearing until the stage lights had grown too hot.

  Not everyone could pull off a cape. It required a certain panache. But me? I rocked it. I tossed one end over my shoulder with a sniff and instantly felt better. More like myself.

  I was in control here. Always had been, always would be. This was my stage.

  “Rose, wait.” He reached for my arm and I jerked away so quickly that I nearly toppled on my heel.

  I would have if Jax hadn’t caught me.

  My heart was trying to escape. It was making a mad run for it, throwing itself against my ribcage with abandon. Let me out!

  I realized with a jolt that he wasn’t letting go. His grip was still firm on my arms.

  And me…? I was still clutching the material of his T-shirt in my fingers with a crazy death grip.

  Yup. I was totally in control.

  “Just give me a chance to apologize,” he said softly, his voice so warm and quiet that it made me shiver. “Let me try to explain.”

  I came to my senses and started to tug away from him. He didn’t entirely let go but I earned myself a little breathing room. “Nothing to explain,” I said, not meeting his eyes. “I get it. You needed money, right?” I shrugged. “No big deal.”

  His silence lasted so long that I finally lifted my gaze to try and read his face, see what he was thinking.

  I wished I hadn’t. His eyes burned into me like he was doing the exact same thing.

  “Simone was right,” he finally said.

  I frowned. “What?”

  One corner of his mouth hitched up in a smug little grin. “I can see it now.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “When you’re acting…you’re not really feeling it, are you?” He looked entirely too pleased with himself. “She was right. Again. Man, she’s even smarter than I realized.”

  I stiffened. He was referring to what Simone had said about not feeling the emotions, but he wasn’t referring to my monologue.

  He meant right now. With him.

  He meant…the way I was with him.

  And suddenly, despite the cape—or maybe because of it—I might as well have been naked. I tugged my arms free and this time he let me go and I stumbled back a step. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  He pointed a finger at me. Rude, really. He jabbed it right in my face. “Lie.”

  I blinked. “What do you think you’re trying to prove?”

  He moved in closer. “I want you to admit that you feel it too.”

  “Feel what?” My voice was too breathy as I aimed for flirty airhead.

  “Fake,” he said, pointing that dang finger in my face again.

  This time I smacked it away.

  “Yes, fake, that’s me,” I said with a brilliant smile that I knew must sparkle with anger.

  “No, I mean right now you’re faking it. You know exactly what I mean. You feel it too.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I spun around but he was right behind me.

  “Lie.” His voice was way too smug.

  “Would you cut it out? You sound like a crazy person,” I snapped.

  “And you are running like a coward.”

  I stopped short so quickly he ran into me and once more we were locked in a weird embrace as he once again kept me upright.

  Coward.

  The word still stung from when Hannah had used it. I wasn’t a coward, I just didn’t do conflict. Not in real life. I didn’t do relationships, either, for precisely this reason.

  Oh crap.

  Did that make me a coward?

  I found myself frowning at him as I puzzled over that. My frown deepened when I realized he was still wearing a smirk. “Simone was totally right.”

  I huffed. “She obviously wasn’t right.”

  He arched a brow in obvious disbelief. “How so?”

  I leaned in closer, anger a pleasant reprieve from the other roaring emotions. “Because to tap into feelings one has to have feelings, and what was it you said about me?” I tapped a finger to my chin in an exaggerated thinking gesture. “Oh yes. I don’t have emotions. In fact, I don’t even have a heart.”

  His smirk faded fast. “You heard that?”

  I arched my brows, my smile widening. “I did.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Ugh. I didn’t want to hear apologies, I just wanted him to leave it alone. Leave me alone.

  He didn’t leave me alone, instead he reached for my hands. “I am so very sorry, Rose.”

  “Why?” I snapped. “Because you were caught?”

  “No, because I was wrong,” he said. “You weren’t the one being vain and shallow, that was me. It was all me. I was out to prove that you were everything bad, all the things I told myself you were when you dumped me.”

  I clamped my lips, unable to respond and not sure I wanted to hear any more.

  “My pride was hurt,” he said slowly. “I mean… My ego was very badly bruised when you dumped me like that—”

  “It wasn’t like—” He placed a finger over my lips to silence me and my whole body froze at the touch.

  “My ego was bruised, but it was more than that,” he said, his gaze never leaving mine. “I was also…hurt. Maybe even…heartbroken.” He let out a loud exasperated sigh as he dropped his hand. “Man, this isn’t easy to talk about.”

  I felt cold without his touch and I crossed my arms over my chest. “If I didn’t break up with you, you would have dumped me.” I sounded like a petulant child, but it was the truth.

  He nodded.

  I’d known it was the truth but seeing him acknowledge it still stung.

  “See?” I said, already trying to turn away. “Does it make you feel better to know that you could have dumped me first? You’re only angry because I beat you to it.”

  “No, I was angry because I was an egotistical jerk,” he said.

  I stopped with my back to him because…well, yeah. He had been.

  He was.

  “I took up Ryan’s challenge because I’d been hurt.”

  I spun around. “But you even admitted that—”

  “I would have broken up with you,” he said evenly, like he wasn’t punching me in the gut with his words. “I would have, but not because I didn’t like you. I was going to end things because I did.”

  I blinked. “That makes no sense.”

  His eyes narrowed and he took a step closer. “Are you really going to stand here and tell me you didn’t do the same?”

  I inhaled quickly as I edged backwards. My heart was racing again and this cape was now way too hot. “I don’t know what you mean. I was bored and—”

  “Lie!” This time it was a triumphant cry.

  I glowered at him. “Cut that out.”

  “I can’t help it. I’ve always known there was more to you than you let on, but I never saw it so clearly as I do right now.” He shook his head in amazement. “If you’re not feeling it, I can tell. You do a really good job of faking, but not good enough. Not anymore. You can’t hide from me.”

  I stood there in stunned silence, something like terror holding me hostage as his words echoed through me.

  You can’t hide from me.

  He moved even closer. So close I waited for him to reach for me. I thought maybe he’
d kiss me. My lips parted in anticipation even as I told myself I didn’t want him anywhere near me.

  “Admit it,” he said slowly. “You liked me, too. You were having the time of your life, and we hit it off better than either of us expected…and you ran.”

  My throat felt choked. I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but even as I thought it I heard him say “lie!” in the back of my head.

  I didn’t want to hear that again.

  And maybe…maybe it was time to stop lying. Time to stop running…

  Maybe it was time to stop being a coward.

  I tilted my chin up. “Fine. I was having fun—”

  “You were having the time of your life,” the egotistical jerk corrected.

  I rolled my eyes. “I liked you.” I held my hands out. “There. You happy?”

  Just like that, the egotistical jerk morphed into someone softer, sweeter, and infinitely more dangerous. “Not yet.”

  He kissed me.

  One hand buried in the hair at the base of my neck and he claimed my mouth like it was his. Like I was his.

  My body responded with a mind of its own, my muscles loosening, my limbs reaching for him. Our bodies collided like we’d been pulled together by gravity as he tilted his head and deepened the kiss.

  “I’ve missed you,” he whispered when he pulled back.

  I’ve missed you too.

  Crap. I wanted to say it. I almost did.

  What was wrong with me?

  “That was a long time ago,” I said, my voice shaky, my legs unsteady as I tried to back away. “A lot has changed since then.”

  “Has it?” His eyes moved between mine like he was reading something there. “From where I’m standing, it seems like one thing has changed. You and I got better at being…us. At playing the roles we gave ourselves.”

  I pursed my lips. “Is that an insult?”

  His laughter was a huff of air as he ran a hand through his hair. “No. It’s… I’m saying we’re a lot alike, you and I. Don’t you see it?”

  I swallowed, my heart somewhere between my lungs and my throat and desperate for escape.

  “I was going to break up with you because I was terrified of how I felt,” he said. “I’d always said I didn’t want to fall in love because I didn’t want to end up like my parents.”

  “Join the club,” I muttered.

  “I thought love and relationships meant fighting and drama.”

  “I am drama,” I reminded him, not without a hint of pride. But really—he didn’t want drama. I was drama. End of conversation.

  So why was I standing here waiting for him to argue?

  Wanting him to argue.

  “You’re not drama,” he said quietly. “You’re real and you have issues just like everyone else. You’re charismatic and you’re loud and you’re passionate about so many things and…” He sighed in impatience. “You’re not the drama I feared. The way I felt about you was what scared me. My parents are so crazy about each other, but when they fight…” He shook his head and looked away. I wanted to prompt him to talk but he was already moving on. “You know what I used to think? Back when we were dating?”

  I couldn’t speak so I gave my head a little shake.

  “I thought…I thought that you made me feel like I was the sun. You had this way of making me feel important, and seen, and…loved.” He licked his lips and his nostrils flared with his next inhale. “And when that just ended, I felt cold. Like I’d just lost all the light and warmth in my life.”

  My eyes widened because…whoa. I’d had no idea my breaking up with him had hurt him so badly. I’d been trying to save us both from hurt—okay, fine. I was trying to save myself from hurt. But same difference. Right?

  “So, yeah,” he continued. “I got angry. I was stupid and immature, and…” He gave a funny little grimace. “It’s possible I still am.”

  Against all odds, that show of honesty startled a laugh out of me.

  He closed his eyes with a rueful smile. “Fine, I definitely am.” He opened his eyes again to look at me. “But I’m working on it. I’m trying to change.”

  “You don’t need to change.” It came out as a low murmur but I knew he heard it. I shifted uncomfortably, embarrassed and uncomfortable by this strange intimacy.

  “I was wrong, though,” he continued. “It wasn’t that I was the sun—it was you. It was always you. Rose Parson, you are the sun.”

  I laughed because he was smiling at me now, his eyes filled with such affection it made me want to weep.

  “You are the most charismatic person I’ve ever met. You have this energy, this presence…” He shook his head. “You need to be on stage because the real world is too small for you. You are vivid and bold and passionate and beautiful and…”

  I bit my lip when he trailed off, a weird sensation making my heart feel like it was tripping inside my chest.

  “I like you, Rose.” He licked his lips. “I really like you.”

  I like you, too.

  The words were right there on the tip of my tongue, but I froze. I couldn’t say it. My chest was still aching from the way he’d hurt me—and we hadn’t even been dating, not really.

  “I can’t.” The words slipped out and they felt horrible. But it was the truth. “You don’t want a relationship like your parents, but, Jax…I am drama. That’s who I am—”

  “No, it’s not the same—”

  “And as much as you don’t want to end up like your parents, I don’t want to end up like my mom. I can’t let a guy get in the way of my dreams. I can’t risk getting hurt or losing myself…” I shook my head as I backed away, my heart hammering away as I shook my head. “I can’t, Jax. I’m sorry.”

  18

  Jax

  I knew I was probably a creeper, but I couldn’t stop staring.

  Rose was at her normal table with Hannah, but she wasn’t laughing. She didn’t even look alive. For a girl who exuded energy like a living furnace, she looked lifeless and miserable as she poked at the food on her plate.

  A salad again.

  That girl ate too many salads. Every once in a while she had a yogurt instead, but that wasn’t nearly enough.

  The fact that I knew her daily eating habits was weird. But there you had it. I was officially obsessed and she officially wanted nothing to do with me.

  “Give it up, man,” Ryan said from the other end of the table. He’d clearly been watching me watch Rose. “She kicked you to the curb after a week. I think you set a new record, bro.”

  His friends laughed.

  Andrew shook his head as he stared down at his food.

  Simone leaned over, her hand on my arm. “Have I mentioned that I’m proud of you?”

  I gave her a wan smile. “Just a couple hundred times.”

  She grinned. “Well, I am. I’m so proud of you.” She ruffled my hair, making me groan. “My little immature bestie is finally growing up.”

  I gave a grunt of rueful amusement. “If this is growing up, I am not a fan.”

  She winced. “Yeah, it definitely has its downsides.”

  “Don’t be so down, dude,” Ryan’s friend Pete said, chucking a fry in my direction to get my attention. “There are plenty of other girls out there—”

  “And they’ll all be lining up to kiss us thanks to Rose’s fundraiser,” his friend Tom finished.

  I tried to match their smiles, but I was pretty sure it came across as a grimace. I didn’t want to kiss any other girls. I was officially done with meaningless hookups. How could I go back to that when I now knew what it felt like to kiss the girl of my dreams?

  I couldn’t, that was the short answer.

  But I also had no idea how to change her mind. Or maybe I shouldn’t even try. Maybe she was right. Maybe I’d be a distraction for her dreams and she’d be the emotional complication I’d spent my life trying to avoid.

  Or maybe all that was bull.

  We were seventeen. We weren’t our parents, and no one could ma
ke us be. I scrubbed a hand over my face. But how was I supposed to get Rose to see that?

  Maybe I couldn’t.

  But that didn’t mean I had to stop trying. I had approximately two years of jackassery to make up for here. I couldn’t let one rejection get me down.

  I drummed my fingers against the table. I had to make her see that I’d changed…or that I could change.

  I wanted to change.

  I had to make her see that I wasn’t scared of getting close anymore.

  I mean, I was. My parents’ fight last night had been a reminder of everything bad that came with relationships. But it didn’t have to be like that.

  “Are you seriously still moping over that chick?” Ryan’s voice grated on me.

  I didn’t care that he was mocking me—I hated that he was talking about Rose.

  Hypocritical of me? Yes. Obviously. I’d only just recently stopped being a dick, it wasn’t like I could get all up on my high horse that Ryan was still a buffoon.

  But I couldn’t just sit here and let him talk about Rose like she was just some ‘chick.’

  “Of course, I’m still moping,” I said as his friends snickered.

  Simone’s grip on my arm tightened. She was probably worried I was going to get into a fight…or worse. Get myself involved in another pissing contest with this meathead just because my ego was smarting.

  But here was the difference. Last time Ryan and I got into it, it was just my ego that was wounded. I’d been hurt by her rejection, sure, but two years and a whole lot of hookups had made me believe I was over her.

  Now I knew better.

  Now I knew that she was the one for me, and it wasn’t just my pride at stake. In fact…screw pride.

  Pride wouldn’t get me the girl.

  Pride hadn’t gotten me anything but trouble.

  “What do you say?” Ryan said, leaning back with his arms crossed. “Another bet? Double or nothing. This time I give it a shot with Rose, too.” He arched his brows. “Whoever wins gets a grand.”

  I stared at him in disgust before turning to Simone. “Did it sound this ridiculous when I agreed to his last bet?”

  She nodded eagerly. “Oh yeah. You guys both sounded super lame.”

  I winced. “Why didn’t you try to stop me?”