The Perfect League (Briarwood High Book 3) Page 10

  “I’m failing school.”

  The words landed in the silent locker room with a thud. No one responded and for a second I thought maybe I’d just thought the words.

  But then Aubrey pulled back slightly and when I looked up at her I saw that she was staring at me with a puzzled frown. “What do you mean?”

  I sighed. They still didn’t get it. I wrapped my arms around myself. “My classes,” I said, hating the way her eyes widened with disbelief and then comprehension. I looked away before I could see her disappointment or worse, her pity.

  I stared down at my hands. “I’ve always struggled with my grades but this year I’m falling behind. Like…big time.” I swallowed and pressed my lips together to keep the tears at bay. God, it sounded even worse when I said it aloud.

  “Why didn’t you tell us?” Stephanie asked.

  I shrugged and Aubrey’s arm tightened around my shoulders. “I don’t know, I guess I was embarrassed. Plus, I didn’t want you guys to worry about me.”

  Aubrey gave a little snort. “Oh please.”

  I looked up with a start and saw she was staring at me like I’d grown a second head. “What, you’re the only one allowed to worry about the team?” she asked. “I know you’re the captain and all, but we are a team. That means we help each other, we take care of our own. It doesn’t mean we all just rely on one person to carry us through the season.”

  I looked around to see all the others nodding, their faces pinched with concern. But not for the welfare of the team…for me.

  Some of the weight on my shoulders shifted a little. I drew in air and it felt like the first breath of air I’d taken all day. Not one of these girls looked disappointed in me, and the world as I knew it hadn’t fallen apart in the face of my failure.

  Stephanie gave a little laugh beside me. “I don’t mean to be rude or anything, and I will seriously help you in any way I can but…”

  I turned to face her and knew everyone around me was too.

  She bit her lip, her cheeks turning pink under the group’s stare. “I’m a little relieved to find out you’re not perfect.”

  Aubrey burst out in a laugh on my other side and I spun around in shock.

  She widened her eyes but didn’t stop laughing. “I’m sorry, but she’s right. I’m relieved too. It seemed like you could do no wrong….”

  I started laughing too, but my laughter felt a little hysterical—like maybe I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, or maybe I was just relieved that I wasn’t going to have a breakdown—but it felt good. The last of my guilt and shame seemed to fade away with my laughter.

  Also, it was just so ridiculous that anyone thought I was perfect. I was so far from it. But then, I’d kind of made it my job to hide all that so I guess it made sense. They’d only seen what I’d wanted them to see.

  Not like Connor, who’d seen me for who I was from the very beginning. Yes, I’d been honest with him, but it wasn’t just about the grades and the learning issues. It had just been easy with him from our first conversation on. I could say anything to him and not worry about his reaction. I knew he’d get it. Just like he seemed to know how to phrase things or how to describe stuff so I understood.

  In a really weird way, we spoke the same language. Which is how I knew I had to take him at his word when he said he couldn’t give me what I deserved. What I wanted. Because what I wanted was everything. I needed it all from him.

  All or nothing.

  “You’re still upset,” Aubrey said.

  “And don’t try and tell us that this weird funk you’re in doesn’t have something to do with a certain bad boy we saw you kissing after school yesterday,” Stephanie said.

  If I hadn’t been the sole center of attention before, I absolutely stole the show now. They seriously converged on me like some boy-crazed mob. I was bombarded by all those questions that I didn’t have the answers to.

  I finally just shook my head. “You guys, I love you all and I am so glad that I told you the truth about my grades, but this is one issue you can’t help me with.”

  Aubrey raised her brows in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? Every one of us has more experience with guys than you. We can totally help you.”

  I gave her a lopsided smile. Her intentions were good, but Connor was so not like every other guy in our school. “Thanks but I think I need to work this out with him.”

  I watched their faces fall in disappointment. “I promise to tell you how it goes after I do.”

  Aubrey gave my shoulders another squeeze in support. “Fair enough. But we’re here for you if you need us.”

  I nodded. “I know. And thanks.” I turned to take them all in with my gaze. “Seriously, thank you for being so nice about the grades situation. I know I’m supposed to be the strong one. I’m supposed to be the one you can depend on and there’s a chance I could let you down—”

  “Hey,” Stephanie cut in before I could go down that wallowing route again. “We still can depend on you. We know you’ll do whatever it takes to make things right, or at the very least you’ll try your hardest.”

  I nodded. That was definitely true.

  “And you’re still the strong one,” Aubrey added. “In fact, I think I can speak for everyone when I say that you seem stronger than ever. Being vulnerable and opening up to us like that was brave.”

  I stared at her for a moment, struck dumb by what she’d said. It wasn’t that her words were so very wise but it helped me to shift my perspective on…well, everything.

  I’d been so afraid to be honest about my failures because I was afraid I’d seem weak, but I’d had it backwards.

  And just like that I realized I’d been looking at this Connor dilemma backwards too. I’d been agonizing about what decision to make, but it wasn’t me who had to make a decision.

  I’d made my feelings clear—or at least I thought I had—he was the one who was wavering. He was the one who was being confusing and indecisive. He was the one who was letting his fears stand in the way of a real relationship.

  I stood up so quickly I accidentally knocked Aubrey’s arm off my shoulder and nearly bumped Stephanie off her seat. “I know what I have to do.”

  They were all staring at me and I realized too late that they had no idea what I was referring to and there was no way I was going to launch into the whole saga right now. Not when…I glanced up at the clock. Not when we were already running late for practice thanks to me.

  I turned back to my team and clapped my hands together. “All right, ladies, enough chit chat. Let’s get out there and kick some butt.”

  The girls hustled into action and I did too, changing into my uniform as my mind raced ahead to what I’d say to Connor after practice when I saw him at Gina’s basketball practice.

  I knew what I had to do. I had to be vulnerable with Connor and hope that he would take a chance on me too. If he cared about me as much as I hoped he did, then he would overcome his fears to give us an honest shot.

  And if he couldn’t...well then he didn’t like me the way that I liked him.

  I knew what I had to do.

  But first I had a practice to lead.

  Chapter Ten

  Connor

  Waiting for Gina’s practices to end had never been the highlight of my week, but this particular practice was a special form of torture.

  Juliette had come running in, looking distracted and winded just as practice started up. She flashed me a quick wave and a small smile before diving in to her coaching duties.

  Which meant I was stuck to sit there and wait.

  And think.

  I didn’t want to think. I was tired of thinking. It felt like all I’d been doing for the past twenty-four hours was thinking about that conversation and why it felt so freakin’ wrong.

  We needed to talk again. But what good would that do? I couldn’t say anything different, not without giving her false expectations.

  Right?

  Aw hell, I didn’t even know
anymore. Just when I started to think maybe I’d been wrong, that maybe I shouldn’t have told her that I’d be one foot out the door, my mom had come home talking about some guy she’d made a date with this weekend. She’d met him online and guess where he lived?

  Not in Briarwood.

  Did this automatically mean we’d be moving? No, not necessarily. But it drove home the point, as if the universe were trying to spell it out for me. My family wasn’t normal. I wasn’t reliable. We didn’t do long-term and I couldn’t make any promises.

  Still, my gaze followed Juliette as she ran across the court, as she laughed with Gina and some of her friends, as she gave instructions and patiently worked with little Janie who still couldn’t dribble very well.

  Hell, I’d lost patience with this Janie and I wasn’t even her coach. But not Juliette. Watching her with the girl made me realize why she was a team captain even though she was a junior. If there was any doubt in my mind why Juliette went to such great lengths to protect her teammates from the truth, it was clear watching her with this girl.

  She was a caretaker. A natural giver. She would give the shirt off her back and then bend over backwards if anyone asked. She was too good to be true.

  No, not too good to be true. Just too good for the likes of me. And not because I was so “bad.” She knew as well as I did that my tattoos were works of art, not some sign of trouble, and that those stories that made my reputation so sketchy were just rumors.

  She knew better than anyone that in my free time I was either taking care of my sister, working on my music, or tutoring a hottie basketball player. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t bad…for her.

  I was so bad that I was being selfish and I knew it, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. If I truly had good intentions I would have just walked away from Juliette when it first became clear that I couldn’t be rational around her. I would have run in the opposite direction. Instead, I’d kissed her.

  Twice.

  And each kiss had been mind-blowing, life altering, world changing.

  I’d been an idiot to let things go as far as they had, but it was done and now it was up to her. Could she still want to be with me knowing the truth about who I am and what I can give?

  The minutes ticked by and then finally—finally—the coach blew his whistle and the girls ran off the court, laughing and talking as if they didn’t have a care in the world.

  The coach followed them into the locker room and soon enough that big open space was just filled with Juliette, me, and the vast silence between us.

  She gave me a shy smile as she walked over to where I sat in the front row of bleacher seats. “Hey,” she said as she sat beside me.

  “Hi.”

  Her nervousness and unusual shyness terrified me. Seriously, we’re talking full-on terror in the face of her shuffling feet and averted eyes.

  She was going to say no, she couldn’t settle for what I had to offer. My heart sank into my gut and I steeled myself for her rejection. It was probably for the best. She deserved more than I could give her and she knew it. In a weird sort of way I was proud of her.

  I told you it was in a weird way, I couldn’t entirely explain it even to myself.

  The problem was, I didn’t want to hear her say it. I honestly didn’t know if I could handle it.

  “So, here’s the thing,” she said, her gaze fixed firmly on her hands in her lap. “You said it was up to me, right?”

  I forced a nod that she probably didn’t see. I was terrified of what she would say. I didn’t want to hear her “no” but I wasn’t sure “yes” would be any better. I’d thought I could do it, but maybe I was wrong. I’d told myself that if we did this I could keep my distance, but deep down I knew my heart was already a goner. I was already hurting. Just imagine how much more it would hurt if this ended a year from now. Two years from now.

  Not having a chance with this girl felt like hell on earth. It was hard to imagine how much worse it could get.

  But it would be worse, I told myself. Getting even closer and then having to say goodbye? I couldn’t do it. It was Alfred Lord Tennyson who’d said, “'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” As far as I was concerned, Tennyson was a moron. He’d clearly never loved and lost—or at least not as often as I had.

  She turned to face me then, her brows pulled together in a frown. “But here’s the thing that I realized, Connor. It’s not up to me.”

  I stared at her for a moment, feeling like a prisoner who’d been waiting for the ax to drop only to have the executioner pause and start up a chat.

  “What?” I managed.

  “It’s up to you.” She shifted so she was facing me and the sadness in her eyes was unbearable. The worst part was, it wasn’t just sadness. It was disappointment. I’d disappointed her. She was disappointed in me. Any way I phrased it, it felt like a punch in the gut.

  “I told my teammates the truth today.”

  Her sudden change in topic should have surprised me, but it didn’t. I’d come to expect the unexpected around Juliette. “How’d it go?”

  Her smile was sudden and brilliant. “Great,” she said. “They were really understanding.”

  “Good.” I nodded. “That’s great.”

  She was nodding too, but her smile faded. “It was hard to do,” she said. “It meant taking a risk. It meant my big secret getting out and everyone looking at me differently….” Her gaze met mine and there was no looking away. “But I did it. And it wasn’t until I took a risk and put myself out there that I realized what a coward you’re being.”

  I blinked a few times as her words reached out and slapped me.

  She winced. “Sorry, that came out too harsh.”

  Maybe, but it was also true. I knew that deep in my bones. I didn’t have to think it through since the words resonated in me.

  I was disgusted with myself. I’d asked this sweet, loving, and in some ways naïve girl to take a chance on me, knowing that I wouldn’t take that same chance. I’d offered her something so much less than what she deserved. It hadn’t been fair and it definitely wasn’t right.

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  She smiled, but it was sad and bittersweet. When she reached out and put her hand on my shoulder I had to stop myself from wincing and pulling away. Her touch felt too good. Comforting and exciting all at once. The connection between us was there and it was electric.

  Whatever this was between us, it could be something real.

  “I didn’t mean to sound so harsh,” she said, her voice soft and kind. “Because I get it. I really do. You’ve been hurt…a lot, by the sounds of it.”

  I dropped my gaze, unable to look at her. Not because she was wrong, but because she was right.

  “I mean, it makes sense that if you’ve had to say goodbye to everyone you love, you don’t want to love anyone anymore so you won’t have to say goodbye.”

  Yup. She pretty much just summed up my life and in the most pathetic way possible. Hell, I was a coward, plain and simple. But then again, she’d never had to say goodbye. She’d never had to start over, so she didn’t understand.

  No, a little voice of reason argued. She’d only had to face up to her worst fears. She’d only had to tell people who’d known her forever that she’d been living a lie.

  She might not have the same issues, or the same fears. But she was braver than I was.

  I dropped my head and rubbed my eyes, hating myself but not knowing how to fix this. Because it wasn’t just me I was trying to protect. It was her too. I wouldn’t be any good at this boyfriend thing. I didn’t know how to stick around. I didn’t know how to get close anymore. It was a skill I’d lost along with making friends and interacting at social events.

  Juliette gripped the hand that was rubbing my eyes and pulled it away so I was forced to look at her. Her expression was determined. Fierce.

  Hell, she put my so-called “grumpy face” to shame.

  “But here’s the thing,
Connor. You’re the one who needs to decide.”

  I stared at her. I knew where this was going and part of me wanted to stop her. I wanted to kiss her and I wanted to walk away. I wanted to do anything to avoid hearing the truth.

  “I like you,” she said, her voice catching, but that didn’t stop her. “I like you a lot. So much it kind of scares the crap out of me.” I watched her swallow and my heart lurched into my throat at the depth of emotions in her eyes.

  “I made my decision,” she said. “I want to be with you. I am all in. But I only want to be with you if you’re all in too. I want a real relationship, not some half-assed, in-between, undefined hookup sort of thing.”

  I nodded. “You deserve that.”

  “Thanks.” She gave me another small smile. “I might be new to relationships but I know that I deserve the real deal. Or at least a chance at it.” She leaned in closer and I could feel her intensity, I could feel the tension in her as she waited for my response. “I’ll take my chances, Connor. On you moving, on us ending because we’re too different, on you going away to college….”

  I wanted to say something. I wanted to make that worried look on her face vanish. I wanted to see happiness in her eyes. But the words wouldn’t come.

  After a second she blinked rapidly and I saw that she was holding back tears as she sat back and took a deep breath. “I guess what I realized today was that I’d been living in fear for way too long. I was afraid of disappointing people, I was worried about what they’d think…” She shook her head and her gaze met mine once more. “I’m tired of living in fear. That’s not me, and I don’t want it for you either.”

  I knew what she meant. She wanted me to be brave. To take a chance on us, on her…on love.

  Oh hell. The air left my lungs so quickly I struggled to get it back. Love. Is that what this was? Was this the crazy strain of insanity my mom was always going on about? If so, I guess I understood now why it rocked her world and why it turned all of our lives upside down. This flood of emotions I was feeling, it was all consuming. It was overwhelming.

  It was freakin’ terrifying.